Author notes:
1. The theme or message of this essay is that suicide should not be the manswer. Once Alyvia killed herself, she realized it was a mistake.
2. I think it was easy to write because it was like writing a journal. I took parts from personal expiriences and threw it into the story.
3. The only hard part of this was finding a theme for my story because usually themses are positive but suicide isn't a positive thing.
4. I have to finish my essay before it gets read.
Alyvia’s Diary.
May 16, 2012: I never used one of these, my mom thought it would be a good way for me to get out my thoughts without annoying other people into dealing with them, so she bought me one. It’s black. Just black, with nothing on it. I guess this is my diary, or you’re my diary. How do I even talk to one of you? I’ll get it eventually.
May 17, 2012: I’m back again, today was my first day back at school since Jaime passed away. Nobody understands around here, how bad it hurts to lose someone so close to you. Losing a sister, is basically like losing your other half. Yes, we did argue quite often. No matter how many arguments there were though she will still always be my sister. i dont understand why the fire had to take her, I mean we are in the same house, under the same roof, went through the same fire, why did it take her and not me? Why didn’t my mother save her? Why didn’t I save her? I don’t know these answers but it bothers me everyday to find out. I didn’t even say I love you before she was taken from me, is she in the sky now believing that I never loved her? I hope not.
May 17, 2012 (later in the day): Since I got home from school and wrote to you earlier, I came home and sat in my room like usual. I began listening to music and my mom came in, she asked me if i began using you, I told her yes, she made me give it to her. I don’t like telling people about my problems. Ive always been one to be alone and enjoy it, I don’t need friends or a counselor, or anybody that I don’t already have (myself). She got mad over questioning my sisters death. Why doesn’t she care about it? Did she intentionally start the house fire to get rid of her? Ugh. Im going to bed before I do something stupid.
May 18, 2012: Almost a month clean. I relapsed. Oops.
May 18, 2012: I took the blade and allowed the blood to pour down my own wrists, what’s wrong with me? Why cant I be happy like everyone around me? I’m drowning in my own sadness and it’s slowly killing me! Time to crack out the bracelets.
May 21, 2012: Sorry I abandoned you for a small bit, I decided to write in you today though because I feel really good about today. I’m wearing a new Pierce the Veil shirt I bought at Hot Topic over the weekend, along with some new bracelets, (Suicide Silence, Asking Alexandria, Job For A Cowboy) to cover up those ugly marks on my wrists. I’m wearing my black skinny’s with my purple vans to match the background on my shirt. I’m ready for school, if only more people enjoyed the things I do like this.
May 21, 2012: I tried to crack a smile most of the day, until my bracelets slipped. I was in math and i had my head leaning on my hand and one of my bracelets slipped and the girl sitting in front of me, she noticed. I used to wish i was her, she had a perfect family, all the money she wants and needs, the long soft looking hair, and that perfect body shape, then theres me. A potato. My hairs dark and stringy, I don’t know my dad, my mom hates me, we arent exactly the richest in the neighborhood. I don’t have many friends, or friends at all anymore. I’m just worthless. A nobody. I dont know why i’m still alive.
May 21, 2012: I’m staring at this razor again, but I promised myself I wouldn’t do it. I promised myself, and I’m going to keep this promise. I’m gonna tuck him away where he belongs. I’ll listen to some Of Mice and get over myself.
May 25, 2012: I’m just so over done.
June 6, 2012: I got kicked out of my house again, my mom got mad because my grades are dropping. My grades literally went from A’s and B’s to C’s and D’s and now they’re barely passing as D’s either. I got home and went upstairs then didn’t come down for dinner and that’s what really ticked her off. I don’t want to eat. I don’t like food, because everytime I eat food I feel like a whale. My weight went from 148 to 117 in two months. I can finally see my collar bone! That’s great news! Anyways, I’m back at home. My mom called the cops eventually and they came and got me at my aunts house. I really wish i’d just live with her, she understands me so much better than anyone else. I haven’t talked to my mom either, i haven't even left my room. I have water. I will be all set. Theres only a week left of school, lets hope this goes by fast.
June 7, 2012: Getting ready for school has never been so hard. I literally haven't closed my eyes for rest in two days. 48 hours. Its physically impossible to with everything that constantly runs through my mind.
June 7, 2012: I just got home, I hate people. All people. im going to bed. God take me in my sleep please.
June 8, 2012: Friday at last. After I fell asleep last night I had not woken up since right now. Thats at least 15 hours of straight sleep. I just created my own no revolution! I have no plans for this evening, everyone at school today was talking about their parties they're going to and all their graduations. I dont even think I'm graduating, is it sad that I dont even care at this point? I'll spend my Friday night watching episodes of Breaking Bad, and eating ice cream.
June 8, 2012: I haven't eaten in so long. I tried taking just a single bite of my ice cream and felt so sick. This isnt good.
June 11,2012: This weekend I came to a conclusion, I'm going to stay back, and run away after vacation. I have enough money saved up from babysitting the twins next door. I can do it. I'll be just fine. Mondays suck.
June 15, 2012: ITS THE LAST DAY OF SCHOOL. FINALLY AND GUESS WHAT, I PASSED. I’M NOT STAYING BACK. I PASSED WITH D’S AND F’S BUT I DID IT.
June 15, 2012: I drew a picture for you. I hope you like it.
June 15, 2012: I just realized, you're the only person who has been here for me.. you don't even talk. *sighs* back to my demons eating me alive.
June 21, 2012: I cannot take living here one more day. I cannot do it. Im hurting myself, I'm wallowing in such pain and its not going away i can't do this anymore I just can't I cry myself to sleep every night thinking what if I just end this pain. Ugh! It will be SO much better once i disappear. I'll be with Jaime wherever she may be. Most of all though I will be happy!
June 25, 2012:
Dear all of you whom might find this letter. Know this isn't your fault so dont blame yourself for my selfish mistakes. I need this happiness. It might not be my destined time but it is my time to go and I have to take advantage of this. Th down set date for my life to be taken is too far into the future for me to hold on any longer. All the bullying, and pain everyone has put me through. She said it. The girl in the blue dress at graduation told me to kill myself. Well here you go girl in the blue dress. Here you go mom, who never gave a single care in the world about me. I was literally just your rag doll who you had to keep to keep your name out of other people's mouths. Dad, thanks for never showing up in my life either, shows how much i really ever mattered to you. Here you go people who always looked down upon me. im finally out of the way. This wasted life is gone. I love you all and im sorry I couldnt be here longer. I took all the pills in the medicine cabinet. The blood will drain from the tub when you pull the plug too. Sorry if it stains, I wont be around for you to yell at though. Im sorry if this really hurts. I wont be able to turn back after this. think of it like Houdini, this is my great escape.
Goodbye.
And that was all. I was gone. I regretted it. I should have never done that because looking down at everyone and their sad faces, the fact that they cared after I was gone kind of made me regret killing myself. I'm tangled in the great escape and I can't turn back now. I only meant to hurt myself and not everyone around me, if I could beg for their forgiveness and beg for them to take me back and unbury my lifeless body only to place life and happiness back into it. But, they couldn't and I can't be re-birthed but now I am gone.
